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In the aftermath of suicide

Bereavement by suicide is experiencing the loss of a loved one who took their own life. “Grief” is the response to loss, not simply an emotion.Losing a loved one or someone close to you to suicide is one of the most challenging situations to navigate. The pain cannot be described, and the intensity of the loss cannot be measured in any way, shape, or form. Unfortunately, many individuals may give you advice after your loss. They may tell you that it is okay to move on or that you have to be strong for your family. These words of advice are often stated with encouragement and the best intentions , but any unsolicited advice can cut deep into your current wound.The death of a loved one from suicide will have a significant impact on every aspect of your life, and you will most likely experience intense feelings of guilt, sadness, confusion, anger, and grief. Suicide grief feels overwhelming and can leave you feeling isolated. As a suicide survivor, there is no right way to grieve, no right way to feel, and no right way to process your feelings. As a suicide survivor, you not only have to bury your loved one and take care of the assets and finances left behind, but you may also struggle with so many unanswered questions that can take a toll on your grieving process – “Why did my loved one commit suicide”? “Could I have done anything to prevent this?” “Were there warning signs that I missed?” When a loved one dies by suicide, your life most likely will be turned upside down as you work through every emotion and try to grasp your new reality. You most likely will blame yourself and question if you could have done anything to prevent this death while working through your grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and many therapists encourage suicide survivors to grieve in their way. Grief from suicide comes in intense waves that ebb and flow and can come with many unexpected emotions during the most unpredictable times.The suicidal mode is an altered state of consciousness. Gaborone based clinical psychologist, Bame Mophuting says, “If someone tells you they have suicidal thoughts, empathize with the person and don’t minimize. For example, if someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, asking them what they have to be upset about or to just “think happy thoughts” can make them feel even more hopeless. It is also our knee-jerk reaction to tell someone it’s not true when they say things like, “I am a burden to my family, and they would be better off without me.” However, telling them they are wrong minimizes their experience, because in that moment that is truly how they feel. It is far better to empathize with them and say something like “I am so sorry you are feeling that way, I can’t imagine how hard that must be, but I want you to know that is not how I feel, and I really can’t imagine your family feels that way either.”When a person is battling with their demons and feeling hopeless, their thinking is often significantly distorted. They do not see reality the way they would if they were not in suicidal crisis. Their thoughts loop on the theme of how they are a burden to those they love. Their brains actively make a case for how others will not really miss them or that in the long run, those they love would be better off without them somehow. (Of course, loved ones often vehemently disagree with this). Take the case of a person who is in the grips of a late-stage eating disorder. Such an individual may be dangerously underweight (and will appear so to others). However, when they look in the mirror, they see themselves as fat. In a similar way, those towards the end of a tunnel of despair often have distorted perceptions of reality—they see themselves as a burden the same way that an individual struggling with anorexia sees him or herself as fat.Dr Poloko Ntshwarang, senior Social Work lecturer at the University of Botswana says, “In a sense, people’s demons become like the domestic abuser whose first move is to isolate his or her partner from the influence of those who love them. Demons will ambush those who suffer in silence, but those who break this dangerous code of silence often can regain their hope and will to live. While the stigma about mental health problems is diminishing, it still exists. All too often people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts don’t want to talk openly about them, then feel that they have to handle matters on their own, in silence—a feeling exacerbated by thinking they are a burden to the people around them, a thought that is the byproduct of the suicidal brain and not a fact.”

admin January 10, 2025 4 min read

Bereavement by suicide is experiencing the loss of a loved one who took their own life. “Grief” is the response to loss, not simply an emotion.

Losing a loved one or someone close to you to suicide is one of the most challenging situations to navigate. The pain cannot be described, and the intensity of the loss cannot be measured in any way, shape, or form. Unfortunately, many individuals may give you advice after your loss. They may tell you that it is okay to move on or that you have to be strong for your family. These words of advice are often stated with encouragement and the best intentions , but any unsolicited advice can cut deep into your current wound.

The death of a loved one from suicide will have a significant impact on every aspect of your life, and you will most likely experience intense feelings of guilt, sadness, confusion, anger, and grief. Suicide grief feels overwhelming and can leave you feeling isolated. As a suicide survivor, there is no right way to grieve, no right way to feel, and no right way to process your feelings. As a suicide survivor, you not only have to bury your loved one and take care of the assets and finances left behind, but you may also struggle with so many unanswered questions that can take a toll on your grieving process – “Why did my loved one commit suicide”? “Could I have done anything to prevent this?” “Were there warning signs that I missed?” When a loved one dies by suicide, your life most likely will be turned upside down as you work through every emotion and try to grasp your new reality. You most likely will blame yourself and question if you could have done anything to prevent this death while working through your grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and many therapists encourage suicide survivors to grieve in their way. Grief from suicide comes in intense waves that ebb and flow and can come with many unexpected emotions during the most unpredictable times.

The suicidal mode is an altered state of consciousness. Gaborone based clinical psychologist, Bame Mophuting says, “If someone tells you they have suicidal thoughts, empathize with the person and don’t minimize. For example, if someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, asking them what they have to be upset about or to just “think happy thoughts” can make them feel even more hopeless. It is also our knee-jerk reaction to tell someone it’s not true when they say things like, “I am a burden to my family, and they would be better off without me.” However, telling them they are wrong minimizes their experience, because in that moment that is truly how they feel. It is far better to empathize with them and say something like “I am so sorry you are feeling that way, I can’t imagine how hard that must be, but I want you to know that is not how I feel, and I really can’t imagine your family feels that way either.”

When a person is battling with their demons and feeling hopeless, their thinking is often significantly distorted. They do not see reality the way they would if they were not in suicidal crisis. Their thoughts loop on the theme of how they are a burden to those they love. Their brains actively make a case for how others will not really miss them or that in the long run, those they love would be better off without them somehow. (Of course, loved ones often vehemently disagree with this). Take the case of a person who is in the grips of a late-stage eating disorder. Such an individual may be dangerously underweight (and will appear so to others). However, when they look in the mirror, they see themselves as fat. In a similar way, those towards the end of a tunnel of despair often have distorted perceptions of reality—they see themselves as a burden the same way that an individual struggling with anorexia sees him or herself as fat.

Dr Poloko Ntshwarang, senior Social Work lecturer at the University of Botswana says, “In a sense, people’s demons become like the domestic abuser whose first move is to isolate his or her partner from the influence of those who love them. Demons will ambush those who suffer in silence, but those who break this dangerous code of silence often can regain their hope and will to live. While the stigma about mental health problems is diminishing, it still exists. All too often people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts don’t want to talk openly about them, then feel that they have to handle matters on their own, in silence—a feeling exacerbated by thinking they are a burden to the people around them, a thought that is the byproduct of the suicidal brain and not a fact.”